Dealing with Family Members Who Can't Get Past Their Trauma: The Cycle of Blame, Withholding, and the Impact on Your Mental Health
Family dynamics can often be challenging, especially when you're dealing with loved ones who are entrenched in their own trauma. As we navigate these relationships, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves on the receiving end of blame, manipulation, or emotional games. These behaviours can have a significant impact on your mental health—especially when you're trying to maintain a loving relationship with someone who is unwilling to acknowledge their own issues.
One of the more common patterns in these situations is the use of emotional withdrawal. This manifests when a family member says something like, "Well, you won’t hear from me again," only to reach out a few days or weeks later as if nothing happened. It’s a form of manipulation that can leave you feeling confused, guilty, or even responsible for their actions. The emotional whiplash created by this behaviour can be difficult to navigate, but understanding its psychological roots can help you regain control and protect your mental health.
The Impact of Trauma and Emotional Manipulation
When dealing with family members who refuse to acknowledge their own trauma, it's important to remember that their behaviour is often rooted in unresolved emotional pain. Psychologists have long studied the patterns of dysfunctional behaviour in families, particularly how unresolved trauma can affect interpersonal relationships. According to Dr. John Bradshaw, a leading expert in family systems and the effects of childhood trauma, individuals who have not processed their emotional pain tend to project it onto others, especially those they are closest to.
Family members stuck in their trauma might have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead of acknowledging their role in conflicts, they might use guilt, manipulation, and emotional withdrawal to deflect attention from their own issues. This can create a toxic environment, where you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells, trying to navigate the shifting dynamics of blame, anger, and silence.
The Emotional Withdrawal Pattern: "You Won't Hear from Me Again"
One of the more confusing and emotionally exhausting patterns you may encounter is the threat of emotional withdrawal. A family member, after an argument or disagreement, may say something like, "Well, you won’t hear from me again." This often feels like an ultimatum or an emotional punishment aimed at making you feel guilty, as if the entire responsibility of the relationship rests on you.
However, a few days (or weeks) later, this same person will reach out as though nothing has happened. This pattern, known as intermittent reinforcement, is a psychological behavior where someone mixes periods of withdrawal with moments of attention. Psychologist B.F. Skinner, in his research on behaviorism, highlighted how this type of intermittent reinforcement—where affection, attention, or emotional support is given unpredictably—can create addictive patterns in relationships. The unpredictability of the behavior keeps you emotionally invested, as you are always hoping for the positive reinforcement you’ve been given during brief moments of connection.
This emotional cycle can be deeply confusing. One moment you’re being blamed and threatened with abandonment, and the next moment they’re reaching out, expecting everything to go back to normal. This dynamic can lead to cognitive dissonance, where your brain struggles to reconcile the conflicting emotions of love, guilt, anger, and confusion. Over time, this may lead to emotional burnout, as you expend energy trying to make sense of the relationship.
Why This Pattern Occurs: The Psychology Behind It
This pattern of emotional withdrawal and sudden re-engagement is not only emotionally draining but also reinforces the power dynamic in the relationship. According to Dr. Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail, this form of manipulation is designed to make the other person feel responsible for the relationship's outcome. It plays on your natural desire for connection and fear of abandonment, making you more likely to take the blame for situations that aren't your fault.
People who use these tactics often struggle with fear of vulnerability and attachment issues. Their inability to process their own trauma leads them to push others away as a form of self-protection, even if they still crave connection. This emotional withdrawal is often a defense mechanism to avoid the deeper feelings of inadequacy, shame, or fear of being truly seen.
Additionally, the behavior can be attributed to a deep-seated need to maintain control over the relationship. By withdrawing and reappearing, the person is manipulating the relationship in a way that forces you to chase after their validation, creating a one-sided dynamic that is emotionally taxing for you.
The Effects on Your Mental Health
Dealing with these emotional games can significantly impact your mental health. Research in the field of family dynamics has shown that emotional manipulation—like intermittent withdrawal and re-engagement—can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and stress. In particular, Dr. Harriet Lerner, a renowned psychologist and author of The Dance of Anger, explains how emotional withdrawal is a tool used to deflect responsibility and maintain power, which can cause long-lasting emotional damage to the person on the receiving end.
When you’re constantly subjected to these manipulative behaviors, it can lead to:
Emotional exhaustion: The ups and downs of these interactions can drain your emotional energy, leaving you feeling burnt out and disconnected from your own feelings.
Guilt and self-doubt: The push-pull nature of these relationships can lead you to question your own actions, wondering if you’re the one causing the conflict or if there’s something wrong with you.
Anxiety and fear of abandonment: The fear of being cut off or emotionally abandoned can trigger deep feelings of insecurity, especially if your family has used this tactic before.
Frustration and anger: The inability to resolve conflict can lead to internalized anger, as you feel helpless in addressing the root cause of the issues.
Setting Boundaries and Protecting Your Well-being
If you find yourself in this type of emotional cycle with family, it's essential to take steps to protect your own mental health. Here’s how you can begin:
Set Clear Boundaries: Recognise that you cannot change your family members’ behavior, but you can control your own reactions. Set emotional boundaries by deciding when and how you will engage with them. If they threaten withdrawal, calmly state that you will not participate in emotional manipulation.
Don’t Chase Their Validation: Understand that their emotional withdrawal is not about you—it’s about their inability to confront their own trauma. You do not need their validation to know your worth. Dr. Brené Brown, a leading expert on vulnerability and shame, emphasises the importance of self-compassion in the face of emotional manipulation. Let go of the need for approval from someone who isn’t willing to change.
Seek Therapy: If you’re struggling with the impact of these family dynamics, therapy can help you process your emotions, set healthier boundaries, and heal from the emotional damage caused by manipulation. Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist, suggests that therapy can help individuals work through these patterns and learn how to respond to emotional manipulation in ways that protect their emotional well-being.
Encourage Professional Help: While you can’t force someone to seek therapy, it’s okay to suggest it. If they refuse or make excuses, respect their decision, but don’t let it hinder your own healing. Focus on what you can control—your own mental health.
Prioritise Your Well-being
Navigating family relationships where trauma is unresolved and blame is constantly pushed onto you can feel isolating and overwhelming. The pattern of emotional withdrawal, followed by re-engagement, can create emotional whiplash that leaves you feeling powerless. However, recognizing this pattern and understanding the psychological reasons behind it can help you regain control of your emotions and your relationships.
By setting boundaries, seeking therapy, and protecting your mental health, you can break free from the cycle of emotional manipulation. Remember that you are not responsible for their healing, but you are responsible for your own well-being. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you find these patterns impacting your mental health—sometimes, healing starts with understanding and reclaiming your own power.
