‘Body dysmorphia is a mental struggle in which one can’t stop obsessing about their appearance and body image. The sufferer believes they have a flaw – minor, major, or even imagined – and that flaw causes them significant distress. They feel ashamed of their appearance to the point where it affects their ability to function in day-to-day life. In severe cases, sufferers will undergo cosmetic surgery or take up excessive exercise to “fix” their flaw.’
Wow, what a mouthful for starters and what a predicament for anybody to endure let alone live in a state of distress over a ‘perceived’ flaw, after all.
Well, that was me and suffering at the hands of something that can be so debilitating and take your mind to the darkest of places that you never in a million years thought would or could happen to you, would surprise you. It certainly did me.
This is MY story and that was me going back six years ago now.
For a long time, I really did not know where I somehow picked up this ‘image complex’ or self hate towards certain body parts but slowly it took its grip, started squeezing and got me to places I sometimes couldn’t handle. It almost took my marriage, it certainly did take my time away from my new born son and it did get me over analysing myself not only on a daily basis but an hourly basis and at one point possessed my every thought in the day.
I could not enjoy times due to this ‘new’ obsession, I would find myself making excuses to go to the bathroom if out for lunch just to ‘check’ if the perceived flaw I thought I had, had changed and sometimes I would change my mind about even going out as I got so wrapped up in my thoughts about my image.
All I can say now, is looking back I can laugh to myself and think how the hell did I let myself get to that kind of place and even look back at pictures and think what was you thinking Glenn and how did you put yourself through so much hell; you looked absolutely fine.
Well, let me take you back.
I guess like I now tell people, turning 30 is, I suppose a time when most people care LESS about their aesthetics; their bodies, due to responsibilities, careers, partners and families. I on the other hand, somehow gained this complexity and almost an OCD behaviour towards trying to gain this ‘aesthetic’ chest which to me at that time epitomised masculinity. (where this came from, for years, I had no idea.) I couldn’t fathom for along time where it stemmed from, from growing up to moving to Australia to hitting the beach daily with friends, I was the first one to throw off my top and have a care free attitude. I was in the fitness industry and I was teaching a great amount of fitness classes from early morning to evening classes, so the washboard abs were in check, I wasn’t big by any means but I was content with how I looked and felt without a top on.
Then 30 hit and to me it hit like a brick.
I was around the fitness industry and wanted to put on some size and trained daily with mates, with trainers saying I wanted the big masculine chest but for some reason I couldn’t get one. I tried or so I thought tried everything, paid for trainers and ate more as told. I was put through rigorous routines to the point the guys I trained with could hardly move their arms the next day from the soreness to their chest. They used to jokingly tap mine and say man you must be feeling that. I didn’t. I felt nothing.
So here I was hitting my 30’s, new born son and married, great job in the Fitness industry but at the start of an internal battle with my own mind on a hang-up about why I couldn’t get this ‘aesthetic’ chest half of the guys on Bondi Beach proudly showed off.
I remember constantly saying to my best mates and trainers that I couldn’t feel my chest, then overly talking about it, to the point it even annoyed me. It started out with this, then came the mirror work.
Seriously, even saying it sounds messed up. But maybe 10-15 minutes staring at my chest from every single angle and over analysing it. I remember hiding it from my wife until a few months in and the mirror obsession was taken to a ridiculous amount of time. three maybe four hours and because I was fighting this obsession, this internal battle with my mind; my wife started noticing it; she thought it was a sense of vanity.
Hey, I could see why and never held it against her. From an external point of view watching someone you know as an extrovert who could be around anyone, chat to everyone so confident and engaging, seeing me on stage to 50/60 people teaching classes, seemingly being overtly confident and then checking myself out in the mirror; I could totally see that point of view. Yet all that time; suffering in silence and fighting an internal battle I felt I couldn’t tell anyone for fear of not being seen as a man or my issue being seen as a sense of weakness.
With a new born son, for anybody living in Sydney, you will understand how hard it is to gain 5 days a week at any childcare - nobody tells you that you literally need to get your ‘unborn’ kids name down on a bloody waiting list or you could be waiting up to a year.
Well, we decided at the time of the wait, wiht no family in Australia to make either a move to England (being where I am from) or to Thailand (where my wife is from) You can guess by the tropical climate, the food, the culture and islands we opted for Thailand.
What I thought could be a great turning point, was probably my lowest point dealing with Body Dysmorphia.
Thailand brought a new culture, no familiarity, no routine and a sense of uncertainty as to what to do next. It also started my obsession on a crash course downhill and fast to my days being filled with thinking about this flaw I thought I had.
I gained a position as a sales manager at a health and fitness facility in the heart of Bangkok and made some incredible friendships, yet during this time I was still battling my ‘demons’ and didn’t usher a word to anyone. I would train then immediately go to the bathroom and spend maybe 20/30 minutes again analysing every part of my chest.
It sounds crazy! It was crazy!
I would get so wrapped up in thinking about it, I wouldn’t have the ability to enjoy the people around me or my day. To have fun with my child, my wife or family outings. I would go, I would be there but I was never fully present. My wife could tell and thats where I felt my world with her starting to fall apart. I was losing her and I knew it.
The day I sought help, comes to mind so vividly; I remember telling my wife everything as I broke down. The first time she ever saw me cry. Thats when I felt weak. I was suppose to be the man and here I was a wreck balling my eyes out to her saying I didn’t know what to do, how to fix it.
She knew there was something and had known there was something for some time but constantly trying to coax it out of me; I brushed it off which started to push her away. I knew I needed to get help or speak to somebody, she knew I did. We couldn’t go on like this. It wasn’t fair on her, and it wasn’t fair on our child.
I knew she was right and it was the first time, I let someone in and help me. That was the first step in which a little load off my shoulders felt lifted.
The day I walked into the doctors office, I let it all out and told him everything and even told him the diagnosis I thought I had due to researching my symptoms and habits through ‘doctor’ google.
To be honest, I was in shock as to his professional response in that he asked if it was merely OCD.
For a minute I thought like saying ‘what the fuck, are you telling me you don’t know or understand Body Dysmorphia!’
Here I was, telling this general practitioner my own ‘self’ diagnosis then trying to explain what BDD was from what I had learnt my bloody self.
I left the doctors quite frankly feeling helpless, here I was going for some kind of help or someone to ‘fix me’ or tell me everything would be ok and I walked out feeling even more alone with no answers.
At first I was mad that I had finally opened up and to a professional of all people, and felt more alone and more confused as ever. Yet I started to realise over the years, Thailand isn’t a place that is too concerned with aesthetics, its culture is dominated heavily by education and so I never laid blame on his professional opinion when I looked outside of ‘myself’ and my judgement or blame I initially felt towards him for not knowing.
The next couple of months, I tried again for the sake of our marriage to get better and went back to ‘hiding’ or limiting my time when I was around my wife to checking the mirror.
Then and I always say it, but by the grace of god came an email from Australia about us acquiring 5 days child-care at our local day care centre in Sydney. That email gave me hope because there was also a feeling of helplessness that I couldn’t change our circumstance living in Thailand, making myself worse in my obsession and quite frankly I didn’t see an end in sight to getting out of Thailand that I couldn’t enjoy due to my internal battle.
A move back home to Sydney, there was a sudden shift, I saw familiarity, my community, my circle of friends, my obsession lost focus more and more as I gained my normal routine. Don’t get me wrong, it was still very much there but this time, I decided to take charge, and to go to see a psychologist to sort my head out.
Let me get one thing straight, not every psychologist will be for you and I went through one initially who quite frankly pissed me off. They were trying to pin point the onset of the body dysmorphia and going in to my childhood, my surroundings, friendships the lot. It frustrated the hell out of me as I kept saying it came out of no where. Almost left of field. Nothing from childhood teenage years nor my 20’s. I couldn’t pin point it.
I saw another who I googled who dealt in body dysmorphia and it was the best decision I ever made. I still couldn’t pin point the on set of where my obsession came but what that psychologist did for me was refer me to a trainer as well as see him once a week;
A referral to a trainer who had also in his past, suffered from Body Dysmorphia.
My trainer I thank to this day; we spoke on cognitive behavioural habits, he told me his story, we trained and it really wasn’t long that he got to the root of the problem, or as I would’ve said my ‘flaw’.
Lets get something clear; as much as I know the make up and psychology of the body with my studies, and know how the body works; seriously nothing can prepare you for what you see or set in your mind you see in the mirror and how your mind can take you to places of over analysing the slightest of things or even making you throw all of that knowledge you learnt out of the window and replace it with ‘perceived flaws’ that you draw up in your head.
What you learn from a text book, does not relate to what your mind or what you think your mind can relate to in a mirror.
Teaching multiple martial arts programs and ‘spinning’ cycles classes for years and merely hitting ‘cardio’ as the bulk of my fitness, I had not in any sense been building the foundations of strength training esp towards my back. All of my cardio was on a bike, pushing and hitting my shoulders, chest and arms but nothing as towards as strengthening my back muscles to keep my posture open.
I was closing off my pec minors and the more I did the more I was tightening them and pulling my shoulders forward, so I couldn’t feel anything in my chest, make it grow because it was untouchable ‘so to speak'‘.
The months of chest training and not feeling anything was my shoulders being over loaded by the weights and excessive pressure building on the front of my body.
I spent the next 3.4 months with my trainer on back work, having A.R.T and intense cupping, massage treatment on my tight pec minors and my chest started responding!!!
I have always been a disciplined guy so training myself in terms of mentally and using cognitive patterns really worked for me. After months of working on the back and seeing the results, my chest responding and seeing the ‘aesthetics’ come into fruition that I had been chasing I felt my old self coming back. I also couldn’t believe I had put myself through almost 2/3 years of self hate and almost torture being hard on myself for a simple solution.
That was over 6 years ago and for a long time the more and more I openly spoke of it and decided to share it with my mates and whoever listened, the more a lot of my close mates told me they had thought something was wrong but I wouldn’t open up and they hadn’t wanted to push, if I didn’t feel comfortable in telling them. I also got closer to a lot of my mates after sharing, who when hearing my habits and symptoms shared their own stories of dealing with similar battles but never knew it had a name.
The years passed and still, when asked, I had no answer for where or why it even started. But what I did notice was that it made me much more aware and observant in realising people in the gym, even colleagues I worked with on a daily basis, were or clearly were dealing with what I had gone through to what ever extent it may have been and it truly helped me connect with them and often got them to open up to me through a commonality.
It really did start me on this sense of a journey in helping others and through my own experience, enabled me to point them to resources and professional help that could help them too.
What I did learn from my own experience with Body Dysmorphia and then seeing and talking to others about dealing with it or who have been through it, is that it can be different with every individual, like myself I overly checked the mirror, others will not even look at themselves in the mirror and do anything and everything to avoid seeing themselves.
I often wondered if I would ever have an answer as to where and why this came about for me and took me to the depths of depression and it was actually through starting the imperfectly perfect campaign due to losing a friend to suicide, that it finally came to me.
I was doing a podcast one day and talking about social media and how it attributes to mental health esp in our kids these days. One of my main focal points I always address on my campaign is my aims to disrupt social media and bring it back to its intended purpose of when it first started - to connect people. The host delved in a little deeper and we got talking about the visuals on my campaign and the use of Instagram, the dates came up of when it launched and when I really started utilising it for my photography and paying more attention to it 3 years later..
Six years ago!!
We talk about it, we tell others not to do it, we tell ourselves not to do it, we know not to do it, we would never think it would happen to us. TV / Magazines / now social media platforms / comparing our lives, comparing our bodies, our worth, our lifestyles…
It happens.
It happens everyday.
It happened to me……..
Glenn
